I slowly trawled the carpark rows looking for a free bay. Two women walked just ahead deep in conversation. As I was just about to pass, they crossed without looking into my path. Clearly shocked that they had literally walked in front of a car that stopped within arms distance of them, their next reaction surprised me. They were furious - scowling, stretched out arms toward me with a look that would be summarised in text-speak with three letters.
I have since started to get used to people walking in front of me assuming that because I drive a hybrid car that has no sound as it approaches, I derive some kind of joy from sneaking up on them. One man called out that the car was dangerous (that he crosses the carpark without looking???) should come with some kind of bell or noise. We were both a bit taken aback. My first thought was calling out that he should review his assumptions about the world more often - at which point I became distracted with how geeky I had become. I suspect he would have been happy if I conceded that in future I would drive with a loud hailer out of the sun roof announcing my imminence.
It did get me thinking about the human tendency to respond to vulnerability with anger. Did you ever see a small child not be able to do a shoelace and throw the shoe? I once attended a critical incident debrief where a gentleman had died of a heart attack at work. It’s hard to tell yourself that life can be short, fragile and sometimes brutal and we can’t change that. One team member believed if the man wasn’t covering two people’s roles that week, he’d still be alive and his wrath at the company was palpable. At another company, a senior leader was seen collecting his dry cleaning across the road an hour after the announcement of a critical event. The act enraged people who posted it on social media… It feels more palatable than helplessness in that moment I guess.
In more than 50 000 hours of talking with people, I have seen time and time again that the more humans feel vulnerable, the more they do the opposite as an initial default. The most nervous guy in the meeting can be experienced as overconfident. The person fearing no one would want to stay with them has the aire that no one is good enough for them. The leader who appears arrogant, is socially awkward and shy. The person who has to have the answer all the time is the one who fears he/she might otherwise be seen as stupid.
I have learned that as much as it is understandable to push back, sometimes it helps to do the opposite of what is invited of you. If someone seems arrogant, be the person who makes more effort and not less. The colleague who is irritating you because they have their CV on repeat like a verbal play list - take them for coffee to tell you more. To the person who walks in front of my car, my “I am sorry I must have frightened you” now results in people apologetically taking responsibility for their own actions.
I hold the strong view that it is good for others, but most of all, you know, it’s actually good for me too.
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